Pretty, Pretty, Princess
by tickledblue
Summary: Snow White is cuckoo. (based on Disney's Snow White, written during a really hyper moment, one-chapter story)


A/N:

Warning: Weird piece of writing. Randomly written for no reason at all. Based on Disney's "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves." If you don't like me referring to Snow White as a crazy person, then don't read. You've been warned, all right? And no, I'm not trying to make this funny…just…eccentric. Anyway, read on…

**Mission**** no. 1486-9484**

Agent:

Agent Nightingale

Target's Name:

Snow White

Target's Description:

Lips red as rose, hair black as ebony, skin white as snow

(Good God! Agent SkoolSux, did you write this? What, are you obsessed with her or something?)

Mission

To engage in espionage on a pulchritudinous potentate for a bifold-epoch of diurnal courses (in other words, spy on pretty, pretty Princess for two days)

Disguise:

Cute bird (blue…no, brown…maybe black…heck, let's make it hot pink—a hot pink bird, it is.)

Goal:

Find out what made her cuckoo

Fears:

That eardrums might go _pop _once target goes past note C

That I might get into the habit of listening to echoes in wells

That I might be forced to clean puny men's house

That I might beat Wicked Queen into murdering target

That I might not make it sane at the end of this

For continuation of list, turn to page 34

**Day One **

Managed to blend well with normal birds. Target sighted. Cleaning the floor and singing. Birds around me seem to think she's some kind of goddess. They sound happy, but have dangerous glints in eyes. Guess this is her die-hard fan club. Note to self: suppress smirks and no rolling of eyes. Life on the line here. No wanting to be pecked to death.

Target is wishing for the one she loves to find her today, today. Agent afraid for her own eardrums. Birds are happy, singing along…yada yada yada.

I see pretty boy (a.k.a. Prince of Faraway Kingdom) coming. Pretty boy is wearing lipstick (seriously). Back to target: she is enrapt in her own singing. Doesn't notice pretty boy. One word: self-conceited.

Pretty Boy joins along with her singing. Target (who was busy looking at her reflection in the well) _finally _notices. Squeals an exaggerated "Oh!" and hurries dramatically inside big, big castle.

Pretty Boy starts to sing at target. Agent tempted to chuck an apple at him. Decide against it at the end. Need to keep a low profile.

Bird flies to Pretty Boy's finger and blushes. Again, I'm tempted to chuck an apple at it. Had to force my twitching wing to stay still and not do anything naughty.

Too many temptations in one day: not good, not good.

Pretty Boy wins target's heart with one song. Target falls in love instantly. Sure sign of cuckooness. Agent suspects her heavy workload of chores has caused her mind to be mentally unstable. Gives me an answer as to why she talks to birds and other critters.

Seven minutes have passed. Current state of agent: near the brink of insanity already. Starts to mumble to herself.

…………………………………………………………………………………………........

Target skipping around daintily and picking wildflowers. Suspicious-looking huntsman close by. Target sees bird on ground. Starts talking to it. (Surprise, surprise.)

I see huntsman about to attack target. Scary music comes from nowhere as target turns around and gasps dramatically. The huntsman is about to stab her, but doesn't. (I guilty admit that I was somewhat disappointed.) Huntsman, with big scary voice and eyes as wide as saucers, tells sweet little Princess to run away.

Target runs in the forests (with scary music still playing) and starts to imagine scary stuff when nothing's actually there. Another sure sign of her mental instability. Branches caught on to her dress, and I suspect she imagined them as scary claws.

Target's screams: deafening. Agent receives temporary hearing loss.

Target collapses on the ground and cries hysterically. Critters come out from their hiding place and approach her cautiously. Target looks up and emits a really high-pitched "Oh!" I don't blame critters for backing away.

Target starts to sing. Again. Agent risks a brief moment of rolling of eyes. Nobody sees. Critters intent on target's singing.

Target starts to talk to critters. Again. She asks critters where she can stay. She says she can't sleep on the ground like them. Typical for pretty, pretty Princess. I resist the urge to point out to her that she had been lying on the ground a few seconds ago, bawling her eyes out. Thank goodness I didn't say that out loud. That would have been my final hour. Target had won over the hearts of the critters with her voice—what a weapon! Note to self: take singing lessons if I survive through this.

Critters pull target's cloak and lead the way. Amazing how there isn't one tear on target's clothing. Note to self: ask target who her tailor is. Ask if I will get a discount if I mention her name.

Target reaches cottage. Target does her usual way of knocking: one hand holding skirt, body slightly bent over in a sassy way, head tilted to the side, then sharp knocks. No one answers, so, being the Princess she is, target lets herself in.

Target wanders about and sees the filth in the place. I, being the smart one, stay outside.

Target "tsks" about the whole place and decides to clean it up. Damn stupid critters decide to help. In order to not arouse suspicion, I pretend to clean by circling around the cottage, looking busy. My real feelings: want to yell obscenities. However, I do not want to damage innocent ears (having learned from experience). Stick to mumbling quietly to myself.

When critters and target are done cleaning, agent pretends to act all tired from the work. Target goes up and sees the beds there. Agent's head spins at how many times target uses the words adorable, little, and cute in that overly cheery voice of hers. Makes agent wonder exactly _how _she won the hearts of the critters.

Critters cuckoo too, maybe.

Target takes up three beds. Other critters invite themselves too. They are about to sleep when "Hi ho! Hi ho!" comes from afar. Critters bolt up and run down the stairs, inconsiderate of poor Mr. Turtle who just reached the top. I mean, they just _crashed _into him for crying out loud, and _none _of them apologized!

Damn rude cuckoo critters.

Puny men come. Think that monster is in house. They observe around and almost piss their pants at seeing the cleanliness. They make all these loud noises and target still remains asleep. Target is heavy, heavy sleeper.

Puny men finally go up the stairs. They hold weapons. Agent half-wants them to do her in. Agent feels somewhat guilty right after that thought. But anyway, they pull the blanket off "monster," and TA-DA!!!

Pretty, pretty Princess and all her glory. Rose red lips and everything.

Puny men mesmerized by beauty. Shallow men, indeed.

Target wakes up and does another one of her "Oh!" squeaks. Don't blame puny men for dashing behind a footboard right after that.

Target guesses puny men's names. Puny men, except Grumpy, are won over immediately. I applaud Grumpy heartily for his attitude, though I suspect he only wants to live up to his namesake.

Target is allowed to stay. (Surprise, surprise.) Target runs down to the boiling cauldron (which is for supper), followed by puny men. Target, being the tease she is, tells them she can't have supper until they wash up. Puny men should have stood up to her at that point, but puny men are wrapped (TIGHTLY) around her little finger.

Puny men obey her commands and wash outside, while target (I suspect) marvels at her control over said men.

After supper, they dance and sing (much to target's delight, I bet). Agent notices how target is good at dancing as well. Agent wonders if she should start calling target perfect, pretty, Princess. Agent decides against it because it's too much of an effort.

Finally, target _orders_ puny men to bed. Puny men, much to agent's bewilderment, offer upstairs bedroom (all seven freakin' beds!) to target. Target acts all reluctant, but deep down, agent knows target is rejoicing and acting all triumphant.

Puny men sleep uncomfortably downstairs. I snigger at them. (Hey, it's _their_ own fault!)

Meanwhile, back in the bedroom, target asks God to _make_ Grumpy like her. Oh she just_ can't_ handle the fact that not everybody likes her, can she?!

Agent's current state: starts to see LITTLE PEOPLE STARING AT HER (no, not the puny men)

**Day Two**

Puny men head to work. They strongly warn target of the Queen and her evil ways. Target assures them she will be careful. Then of course, target just _has _to give each of them a kiss on their bald shiny head as they leave. And Grumpy is a traitor. Grumpy on her side now. He likes her now. Makes agent wanna pout.

Target makes pie. Two birds use their feet to put designs on crust. Nasty! Target didn't seem to realize that it's unsanitary, for she keeps on singing and smiling.

Suddenly, this ugly face appears out of nowhere. Insert target's famous gasp right here.

It's an old hag. Her face is practically screaming "EVIL QUEEN! EVIL QUEEN! EVIL QUEEN!"

But does cuckoo princess connect that with her mind? Nooooooo. She acts all nice, and when critters (not including me) attack ugly hag, target yells to critters, "Shame on you! Shame on you!"

And despite that, critters still love target. They run away to get reinforcement (the puny men, of course). Meanwhile, stupid target ushers ugly hag in the house, despite puny men's warnings that same morning. Agent is surprised that old hag's wrinkly face, maniac eyes, long crooked nose, yellow crooked teeth, gigantic wart, long gnarly hands, witch-like voice, and overall witch-like appearance screaming "WITCH!" didn't hint target _anything. _

"Poor old granny" offers target luscious red apple. Target, being the naïve little Princess she is, believes granny's tale of one bite, and all her wishes will come true.

Honestly. Even a toddler has more sense than that.

Agent just shakes her head as she watches the scene unfold.

Target goes through the "Oh! I feel so straaaange!" scenario.

Well, yeah, dumbass. You just took a bite out of a poisonous red apple that you accepted from a person that looks and sounds like a damn _WITCH_.

Honestly…

**Many Months Later**

After much persuasion (and threatening) from boss, I come back to this mission to find out what happened to target. I have resumed my disguise as a hot pink bird, and am now seated on a branch, looking at the coffin with sleeping target in it. My question is, why hasn't this body decomposed?

Puny men didn't want to bury her because she was too beautiful to bury. Damn shallow men! It has been how many months, and they're still kneeling there and bawling? What, were they all obsessed with her?

What's this? Pretty boy is coming!!! Still wearing lipstick, I see. He's heading to the coffin…oh, look! He's leaning…leaning…

Ah, now I know why he put lipstick on. Actually, no I don't. You don't need lipstick in order to kiss.

WHAT KIND OF A WORLD DO I LIVE IN?

That must have been a terrible kiss. I mean, come on! She's hasn't brushed her teeth, in like, a gazillion months. That's…nasty.

Pretty boy must be cuckoo too. Kissing a corpse…I shudder at the thought.

WHAT?! Pretty, pretty princess is awake?! How many lives does this wench have?!

She holds out her arms and pretty boy carries her in his arms. Then pretty boy situates her atop his white horse.

Oh, of course, target couldn't say goodbye without those kisses on puny men's bald heads.

Okay, she's done kissing. Now's she's just smiling and waving her hand like a beauty queen in a parade. Poor pretty boy is walking on the ground. Is he going to be doing that all the way up to his kingdom? He is smiling, but I bet that smile is forced. I mean, come on! Target is hogging up the space on the horse.

Not a good start. Agent wishes them good luck.

Conclusion to this Mission

I wasn't really able to find out the exact cause of Princess Snow White's mental instability, so I'm going to stick to the safe story: Target is cuckoo because her darling mother accidentally dropped her on the head as a baby.

Agent has no idea what happened to target. Her guess is that target had a catfight with Cinderella and ended up eloping with Jack and the Beanstalk. Whatever. Agent no care no more.

What happened to the puny men?

Agent's guess, based on her two days of observation, is that they missed pretty, pretty princess so much they pretty much lost it and went on a killing streak.

And what happened to the critters of the forest?

The critters were the victims of the puny men's bloodbath.

Mission: at a close

**FIPC Records**

Case no:

34-354-646

Patient's name:

Unknown. But she seems to go by the name Agent Nightingale

Illness:

Case of mental instability

Symptoms:

Tends to refer to herself in third person, and tends to sing (with a high-pitched voice) at random moments, especially the song:

I'm wishing (I'm wishing)

That these little people (That these little people)

Would just stop (Would just stop)

Staring at me (Staring at me)

Curing Solution:

At a loss

A/N:

That was one _weird_ piece of writing. Sorry, just felt really giddy and strange and just plain hyper. I _had_ to get that out of my system! And no, I have absolutely nothing against Snow White or Disney. On the contrary, I used to ADORE that movie when I was a kid.


End file.
